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Confessions of a Mother of Five: part 1

I was reluctant. I was a young, rough around the edges, married-with-no-kids independent. I had plans and desires. Ones that included applications to medical school… NOT shopping for nursery furniture. I also had some false beliefs about motherhood that had taken root in my heart. I thought that the stay at home mom gig was a dead end street and a hinderance to the perfect plan for my life. 

God had some work to do.

During this time, my husband and I had various discussions that went something like this…Husband: “Hey babe, we’ve been married for four years now, don’t you think it’s time to start a family?” Me: *Insert short-sighted excuse #350* that usually left both of us frustrated and exhausted. 

Then one day I had one of those calls from my mom where she nudges me in just the right way. Using her gentle mom magic, she helped me to see things from another vantage point. She said, “Hey you can start a family and always come back to your career plans later.” Using what I believed to be my own independent rational, I made a decision. The decision to put my career plans on hold and go for the motherhood gig.

Under the surface of my alleged autonomy, God began loosening the weeds of opposition and fear that had sprung up in my heart. He was making room to plant something more meaningful and fulfilling.

Nine months later we had our first born daughter, Lauren. I was completely undone. I had no idea that I could love someone THAT much! A reckless love had been unleashed in my heart for this tiny human. I was all in. And hey, I was finally going to be part of the mysterious stay at home mom club! The one that I had hesitantly watched from the safe distance of my own personal career path.

Coming in hot from the 90’s with a vintage Olan Mills look at our little family!

Before I had the chance to attend even one outing of the stay at home mommers, our new little family was relocated to Louisiana. Just like that. More change. More uncharted territory. More intrusive pruning to my soul. There I was, my adorable six-week-old-yet-already-huge new mama heart, setting up life in a new place where I knew no one. 

God capitalized on that added change in my life and used it to prune more reluctance from my heart. He taught me that the unknown is not my enemy. That knowing my future is not the key to my peace. God began to plant in me this truth:

You keep him in perfect peace

Whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

Mamas, hear me when I say nothing is ever lost in God’s economy! I just love how patiently intent God is with us. He loves us enough not to leave us the way we are!

Lauren finally grew hair and I finally grew out those bangs!

Listen, I am not proud of “Reluctant Krisi” and her false sense of identity. She was operating out of blindness and a serious weed issue in her heart. Maybe you’ve been there too. But sisters, we need to cut our former self some slack and love her in spite of her mess. And be thankful for the significant lessons she teaches us. 

Ladies, what weeds need loosening or maybe yanking right up from your mama heart these days? Trust the Master Gardener! He has the perfect green thumb for our lives. See John 15:1-11

Read more about His perfect pruning in my life, including an unexpected move and new found community, in the next Confession of a Mother of Five

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